Boshnac and Tiddlywinks
by Jemi Gr
Summary: [CATS fic] Tensions are high as the Jellicle Ball draws near, and Macavity's out to make things worse... if they can get worse, that is. Incomplete.


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Boshnac and Tiddlywinks

jemi gr

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(all relevant disclaimers apply.)

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1. As the Ball Draws Nigh

"Come on, Alonzo, we've got to go!"

"Calm down! We've got time! It's not like the ball's tomorrow!"

"But still! We've got to make up a routine!"

"We? We?!? I never said anything about _we _doing a routine. I'm going to dance with Demeter.

"Demeter? Yeah right, like she'll dance with you. You're going to dance with me whether you like it or not!"

"Aw, Leccy, come on, everyone will laugh at me if I dance with my _sister_. Come on! Can't you dance with some of your little friends?"

Electra huffed. "I don't have any _friends_, and besides, I wanted to dance with _you._"

With a sigh, Alonzo relented. "Alright, fine, but you're not going to be hanging around me for the entire ball, remember that. I want at least one dance with Demeter, no sister in sight. Is that clear?"

"But 'Lonzo"

"_Is that clear?!?_"

"Alright, fine. You can go off and dance with your queen-friend if you want."

"She's not my queen-friend," said Alonzo playfully, his mind tacking on _'yet.'_

Macavity watched the two Jellicles with growing interest. _What on earth are these fools talking about? Balls? Dances? Queen-friends?_

"Boshnac and tiddlywinks!" he cried in frustration. "These pointless Jellicles frustrate, confuse, and befuddle me! Where are my henchcats?

_Oh yeah, they went for lunch. Stupid henchcats. Mental note: no more lunch breaks! Grumble._

Macavity shook himself out of the pile of leaves he was hiding in. He really had no reason to hide, he wasn't going to waste his time scaring the stupid Jellicles by jumping out at them, and he wasn't going to attack (he would lose anyway, curse those lunch breaks!) In fact, it probably would haven been a lot easier to not hide and just stand there but Macavity, being Macavity, never did anything the easy way.

"Macavity?" said a voice suddenly from behind him. Macavity would like to have said that he didn't jump three feet in the air, but it would be a lie. He turned around only to see it was his henchcats, standing there with bemused expressions on their faces.

"Oh, hi," he said before realizing this statement did not sound nearly evil enough. He quickly turned the friendly greeting into a hiss, but unfortunately ended up sounding very dumb.

"Did did we scare you, Mac?" asked one of the henchcats, an obnoxious loud white female who was obviously fighting back a severe case of giggles.

Macavity hissed again. "No, you fools! You can't scare me! I was merely er displaying my unique talent for jumping into the air." He crossed his arms defiantly and studied his enormous group of groupies.

Well maybe enormous wasn't the right word. In fact, it definitely wasn't the right word. Macavity had three, count 'em, one, two, three, henchcats. And two of them were his cousins. They were a sniveling bunch of idiots unworthy of his evil genius, but they worked for free. So Macavity didn't complain too often.

"You!" he cried suddenly, pointing to one of the orange and black striped henchcats. "I have a very special job for you. I need you to find out everything you can about balls, dances, and queen-friends. And how they relate to those blasted Jellicles." When the henchcat made no move to go do this, Macavity sighed impatiently. "Well?!? What are you waiting for?"

"You ta say please," the henchcat replied.

"GAH! Evil geniuses do not have to say please!" he shouted. How many times _must _he explain this? "You are henchcats! You do whatever I tell you because that is your job! Because you are low-life insignificant scum put on this earth to help me take over it! When I ask you to do something, you do it, regardless of my manners!"

"Ah-ah-ah," said the henchcat in a sing-song voice, shaking his paw at Macavity. "If you don' say 'please', I'll tell ya mommy, Auntie Tabetha, an' you'll get in big trouble for mistreatin' ya cousin."

"Alright, fine!" cried Macavity. "Would you PLEASE go find out everything you can about balls, dances, and queen-friends? And how they relate to those blasted Jellicles?"

"Yes, sir!" the henchcat said before bounding away.

"Everlasting Cat, I hate my life," Macavity mumbled as he watched his cousin scamper down the road.

Back at the Junkyard, it was a bright, sunny, and all-around cheerful day. The Jellicle cats were eagerly preparing for their annual ball that would take place in just a few nights. Everywhere, cats were singing, dancing, choreographing spiffy routines, and timidly approaching that special someone who they wished to accompany to the ball.

"There she is," said Alonzo to his best friend, Admetus, as Demeter entered the Junkyard with her sister Bombalurina and Jemima. "Isn't she gorgeous?"

"Yeah," said Admetus dreamily, staring at Bombalurina's lush behind.

"Not her!" Alonzo cried in frustration. "Demeter!"

"What?" Admetus said dazedly. "Oh. Oh yeah, she's nice too, I guess."

Alonzo rolled his eyes. "I think I'm going to ask her to the ball."

"Who? Bomba?"

"No, you idiot! Demeter!"

"Oh. Go for it, I say, she's probably desperate enough."

"Really? You think so?" said Alonzo excitedly. "Alright, here I go. How do I look?"

"Dumb," said Admetus immediately.

Alonzo rolled his eyes again. "Seriously, how do I look?"

"Absolutely _smokin'_!"

"You serious?"

"No."

Alonzo groaned in exasperation. "Whatever. I'm going over there."

"Alright, fine," said Admetus. Just as Alonzo began to walk away, he added "Your funeral."

Alonzo ignored him, vowing to pummel the catnip out of him later. "Hey, Demeter," he said in what he thought was a sexy-smooth-laid-back kinda voice.

"Hey, Alonzo," she replied. "What's wrong with your voice?"

"Uh nothing," he said quickly, clearing his throat. "Just just a little cold, I guess. So how are you?"

"Fine" she said, wrinkling her eyebrows, her large yellow eyes studying his face cautiously. "And you?"

"Beautiful - I mean good - you know, except for the cold," he said, coughing loudly and obnoxiously to prove his point.

"Oh, well, I hope you're better by the Jellicle Ball," said Demeter, backing away a little.

"Oh yeah, I'm sure I'll be fine at the ball. And I'm sure you'll be fine too, because, you know, you're always fine."

"Right," said Demeter, smiling a bit and scratching her ear nervously. "Well, it's been nice talking to you, but I got to go you know practice my dance for the ball"

"Yeah," said Alonzo casually. "So, who are you dancing with?"

"Well" she said tentatively, "Bomba and Jem and I are doing a dance"

"Oh, that's cool," he said. "I'm doing a dance with my sister, too."

"Really?" she said, her eyebrows darting up in surprise and her eyes lighting up in a way that nearly made Alonzo faint. "That's so sweet! Most toms your age wouldn't be caught dead dancing with their sister. You're really mature. I like that."

"Well, you know, that's me" said Alonzo, looking at the ground in an "aw shucks" kind of way. "Mr. Mature, that's what they call me."

She laughed. "Hey, maybe you and I could do a dance together."

"That'd be that'd be great!" cried Alonzo, hardly believing what he had just heard.

"Yeah! You and me and Munkustrap and your date!" said Demeter enthusiastically. "It'd be great!"

"Oh yeah that'd be great," said Alonzo, trying to hide his disappointment. "So, you're going with Munkustrap, then?"

"Yeah," she said, beaming. "Who are you going with?"

"Well I was gonna ask this one queen but I don't know, I don't think I mean, I don't know if Electra has a date and well you know, I don't want to abandon her you know?"

Demeter nodded sympathetically, then leaned in and lowered her voice. "Do you think maybe if you do decide to ask someone you could ask Bomba?"

"Bomba? Your _sister_ Bomba? I don't think she's going to have any trouble finding a date," said Alonzo, wrinkling his eyebrows in confusion.

"Actually you'd be surprised," Demeter replied, lowering her eyes. "I don't think she's ever actually been out on a date with a nice tom who really likes _her_, you know? I think you'd be good for her. You're a nice tom, I know you're not going to use her or anything. I really do think she'd say yes, and then maybe we can rework the dance Bomba and Jemi and I are doing so you and Munkustrap and Mistoffelees and be in it, too! Wouldn't that be fun?"

"Yeah, fun," said Alonzo absentmindedly.

"Please, 'Lonzo, please ask her out," pleaded Demeter. "Please. For me."

How could he say no to that? "Alright, Dem, I'll do it for you."

She grinned, waved goodbye, and headed over to the other side of the Junkyard where Munkustrap was waiting for her.

"Macavity?"

The Napoleon of Crime, this time, did not jump. He did, however, emit sort of an embarrassingly girlish 'Yeowwwwl!' "What?" he snapped angrily.

"I 'ave the information you wanted, abou' balls an' dances an' queen-friends an' Jellicles, Mac," said the henchcat.

"Alright, then, tell me what it is!" cried Macavity impatiently.

The henchcat cleared his throat. "Once ev'ry year, all of tha Jellicle cats gatha' at a celebration of some sor', where they all dance an' sing wit' their mates, otherwise known as queen-friends, or tom-friends if you is a queen, or I s'pose ya coul' 'ave a queen-friend if you is a queen, an' for that matta' a tom friend if you is a tom, I mean there's nothin' wrong wit' that, I think that bein' open-minded abou' these subject mattas is very importan' to our society an' economy an' grammar an'-"

"Stifle it!" cried Macavity suddenly, before regaining control of himself and asking calmly, "And at these balls they have fun?"

"Oh yes, Mac, lots o' fun. That is, essentially, the poin', havin' fun, 'cause it wouldn't be much fun if they wasn't havin' fun and that woul' mean a very dull party."

"You are very dim," said Macavity, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Thank you."

"And they're happy when they're having fun, right?"

"Yes, tha's right."

Macavity laughed his patented Evil Laugh ™. "This certainly calls for something evil oh yes, happy Jellicles, we can't have that, oh no must cause havoc must come up with evil plan"

"An' wot will tha evil plan be?" asked the henchcat.

Macavity pondered this in silence for a moment. "I'll get back to you on that," he said finally.

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(experimental story here, comments please? is it too weird? I'm not sure if I'll continue hmmmm.)


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